The last time I wrote in this blog was November 28, 2021. I had no comprehension how deeply Gay Silverman's death would impact me and how it would take well over a year to understand why I had so much trouble dealing with her death.

The funeral was extremely surreal for me. It was interesting to see all the different people in her life come together. If you were part of the swimming world you could easily forget that Gay had more friends and family outside of it. I left with a more comprehensive picture of her life. After the service, it started to snow. It felt extremely magical, even the rabbi said so. When I arrived at the cemetery hundreds of crows flew out of the trees. When this occurred it felt like unique type of magic was leaving the earth.

Gay was jewish and I had never attended a jewish funeral before. It seemed similar in many ways to what I was use to except when we reached the cemetery. I was honored to participate in the tradition of shoveling dirt on the casket, although this was extremely hard for me to do. I'm very glad I did it because it did help ground me in the fact that Gay was no longer with us. It was nice to be able to meet up with a few teammates that were on the team when I was on it from 2006 - 2011. I had mentioned Swim Across America and doing a swim to honor Gay. There seemed to be some interest, so I thought starting a team might be a good idea.

I sat shiva back at her home. It was nice to see familiar faces and meet her sons and family. It brought back a lot of the memories of when I had been there over the years. I had worn my Silver Streaks team jacket through the whole experience. It is decorated with some of the Top Ten wins Gay helped me earn and I have not worn this jacket since.

After the funeral everything seemed different and the impact of Gay's death hit me extremely hard. I didn't want to swim, I didn't really want to get out of bed, I was truly lost and depressed. 

2021 was a SHIT year. The Mark Twain pool was still going through closings, COVID was still going strong, my cousins father died who was like a second father to me growing up and Gay disappeared after her surgery, reappeared to tell me she was in hospice and in what seemed like a flash, died before I could deal with the fact that she was really going to die.

After her death, I discovered how intertwined she was with the reason I swam and my life in general. I questioned whether I was competing to gain her approval or if this was something that I was truly driven to do on my own. I struggled with the fact that I could no longer call her. I couldn't share with her any of my experiences after I raced. I missed our conversations that discussed just about everything. Shockingly I didn't want to swim at all. So I didn't. 

I stopped contributing to all the social media pages I run having to do with swimming. I pulled away from the master club groups I manage on facebook. I couldn't answer emails.  I felt extremely broken.

I did eventually get back into the pool but by the end of May in 2022 I  caught COVID and it really set me back. I was sick for 3 weeks. I was well enough to go on my vacation but I barely had the strength to swim once I got there. With this set back, I had no desire to go for top ten that year and just took things day by day. 

I wanted to start a Swim Across America team to honor Gay but I was not emotionally ready to do it. I needed time to heal and after I got COVID I took life step by step. 

It wasn't until a year later that I started to feel some relief and stopped beating myself up for only seeing Gay once in hospice. 

This February I got the courage to start a Swim Across America team. My fear would be that no one would join and I would be all doing it all alone but I got encouragement from several others and kicked it off. 

Then, I did nothing because I simply couldn't. Before I knew it, June had come, I was going away to the Lake and I knew if I didn't start getting the word out by that point it might be hard to get people geared up for the event. By that time, priorities had shifted for people and some were able to donate and others simply couldn't join the team. 

I wish I had pushed through the fear initially and had been more proactive about getting the word out. It's in the past and I keep pushing forward. Over my vacation I started reaching out and asking for donations. I've asked people directly, generated social media posts, made flyers and sent emails.

I am completely blown away by the support that I received from friends and family. To date, I've raised 11,107.00. Without all of their help I never could have reached this point. Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to donate to this most important cause! Swim Across America funds research labs are making differences in cancer treatment. Without this funding it simply doesn't happen at the volume needed to combat this deadly disease. I'll be forever thankful to my friend Cindy Thornton for introducing me to this great organization. For the past 2 years I've raised money for Team Jason.

When you feel completely powerless when someone dies from cancer like Gay or continues to battle it like my father and various friends, fundraising can at least make you feel like you are doing something to help change things. It gives you a sense that at least you can control something.

I've been slowly stepping myself onto a better track. I've been asking myself questions like, "Why did I stop competing"?. (I haven't been to a national competition since 2014) I've really allowed myself to fall so incredibly far from where I was. The answers for this are extremely complicated. 

I am looking forward, to carving a new path to better health overall one competition at a time. After a year and half, I finally realized that I never visited Gay that second time in hospice because I simply couldn't except that she was going to die. I couldn't, and didn't want to say, "Goodbye". It was a realization that created a huge release for me and finally lifted some of the guilt off my shoulders.

On July 29th I'm going to swim the 5K at Larchmont Yacht Club. On August 5th I'll be swimming the 200 fly. Both events are dedicated to raising money for cancer research. 

If you have not made a donation, would it be possible to consider joining my cancer fighting tribe? We need you! The help is greatly appreciated to help win the war on cancer. 

Thank you again for all of your help along the way!!! I'm forever grateful to all my donors and teammate Devon Marrero: Adria & Debbie, AJ, Alissa Green, Aunt Donna and Uncle Bruce, Brian Wu, Charles Hallock, Charles W. Clemens, Chris Davey, Diana, Evelyn Foley, Sheila Mcqueen, Melania Krawchuk, Chhaya Susanna Feder, Pichya Peter, Geoffrey A. Hockert, Sharon Snyder, Patricia Teran-Santos, Steven Goran, Fern Becker, Lee Innocenti, Fiona Russo, Frank Nugent, Heather Kyff, Jean Kyff, John Thomas, Lorraine Weatherhogg, Marty K., Megan W., Pasquale Bonfrisco, Pat McDonnell, Patrick Luzzi, Richard A. Benson, The Cicero family and Tracy LeBright.

Cancer I'm coming for you July 29th! Be ready!!! Please join me!!!

Training at Sprain Ridge Pool for the SAA BIG SWIM on July 29th

Yesterday, November 27th, I learned that Gay Silverman had passed away the previous day.

I just want you to know........You are never really ready to lose a coach. I ran out of time with Gay. 

Gay Silverman was the coach of the Silver Streaks which was the age group team that I joined back in the 80's for only 9 months. Our time was short in the 80's but I learned more than I knew at the time in those 9 months. Later in life, around 2004 all the learnings from Allen and Gay Silverman began to become unlocked as I slowly got back into swimming through a masters swim program in Yonkers. 

After getting a taste of what I knew might be possible as I was still in my early 30's I reached out to Gay in 2005 and wrote her the following email:

Friday, December 23, 2005 10:31 AM

Subject: Silver Streaks Alumni

Dear Gay,

I don't know if you remember me but I swam for your team probably back in 1986-ish. I was watching the meet that was at Apex last weekend. I saw the Streaks and stopped by to say "Hello" but you weren't there.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm currently a masters swimmer and placed 8th in the Short Course Yard Nationals last year with a time of 27.41. I missed competition swimming so much and I'm really enjoying it right now. Thank you so much for giving me the foundation that enables me to compete today. The streaks really taught me to have drive and be competitive. I'll also never forgot when you worked with me to correct my "scissor" kick in breaststroke.

I'm going out on a limb here but do you have any of my old times....I'm just curious to see what I was hitting back then.....Do you remember what events you and Alan thought I would excel at?

Do you ever allow "drop-ins" at your team practices?.....I'm not getting the coaching I need. I want to do better at the Nationals this year and I think I'm going to the World's in August.

Ironically, Heather swam for Yonkers Masters for about a year in  2003-2004 and doesn't want to swim currently. I keep on "haunting" her though....maybe some day she'll cave.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Kyff

And this is the response I received:

Re: Silver Streaks Alumni

Dear Jennifer,

Of course I remember you.  I'm sorry that I missed you at the Badger Meet.  I took 10 of our fastest swimmers to Rutgers for a very fast meet and so I was not at Lehman. 

I'm so glad that you started swimming again.  I remember that you had to stop because your mom had a spot on her lung and the family's energy was directed in helping her to get better.  I was sorry to see you leave.  But things have a way of working out.  Mom recovered and you started swimming in a master's program.  I think that the 27.41 is much better than you ever hit.

After the holidays I will try to look up your times.  The problem is that you did not finish the season and also you were on the team before we used the computer to record everything.  There is a chance that I have all of your times and I will look for it.

Yes, come and join us at practice.  Next week we swim on Tues. 7-9 and Wed. 8-9:45 ( I am not at this practice.

Then after that we swim on tues, fri 7-9 at greenburgh cc wed. from 8-9:45 at greenburgh, mon. 7-9 at Hackley, sat 8-10AM at greenburgh.  I'd love to see you.  Come with or without suit.  You are welcome.

Fondly,

Gay Silverman

And that's how it all started. These two emails kicked off being coached by Gay for seven years in my 30's to reclaim what we were never able to accomplish when I was a teen. Gay was a fan of the underdog and she would most assuredly make sure you were as successful as you could be. 

Unfortunately, because of my recent move and job change all the notes for this story are buried and Gay will never get to read what I'll write about this experience. My last nationals with some oversight from Gay was in 2014 and I medaled in all 6 events. As a masters swimmer I've earned 21 Top Ten wins and honestly it would have not been possible without Gay. 

This experience became the foundation for this blog. It's the story of how a late to the game competitive age group swimmer missed a chance to reach full potential and 13 years later reembarked on a competitive swimming odyssey. This story and Gay are so deeply intertwined. One day I'll finish writing it. Today I'm still coming to grips with the fact that my coach is no longer here.

Yesterday I started reading others tributes and experiences about Gay. It's really incredible to see all the people she's helped. I tried to form my mind about how I would start to write a piece that could pay tribute and I started by looking up the synonyms of what a coach is, one of which is  "teacher".

Gay's actual profession started in teaching and when I joined the team she was a technique coach and assisting Allen her husband. Through all the kids she coached, her legacy will surely live on, as we all learned something very special and different from her and I'm sure we will all pass it on in some unique way. In this way Gay Silverman's legacy will live on forever.

Any one that knew Gay knows how incredibly giving she was. The Silver Streaks was a team that was diverse and inclusive and enabled those to participate in a sport when it wasn't always accessible to them. There is no way I could write a proper tribute to Gay today. I'm still trying to process the loss and why this happened this way. I've been looking up the meaning of "Acceptance" because this was something I certainly wasn't doing regarding Gay's condition in the last 6 months.

"Acceptance is like sitting in a field, looking up at the sky and watching the clouds go by. There is no resistance to the moment to moment experience, there is only observation and acceptance. It would be silly to watch the clouds and be upset that they are not forming into the specific shapes we want. And yet, that’s exactly what we do in life."

I kept going back in my mind that she would somehow be o.k. I'm looking back on these thoughts today and seeing how crazy this was because she was in hospice. There was so much more I wanted to say and do but time ran out. For months I kept asking God why her because there are so many rotten people in the world. It's horrible to say but true. There is a Hungarian saying, " They are so evil not even the devil wants them". I'm so frustrated when we loose such incredibly good people.

Did I mention that Gay was Hungarian? I think that was part of the reason I had a special connection with her since I was a kid. There was a certain familiarity when you see your heritage in someone else. Or was it because she stood behind me as a kid and worked my legs over and over in the proper breaststroke kick pattern so my kick would be legal? She took this time on a 13 year old. Not many coaches would bother at this point but there was such care and pride that went into everything she did. Did I mention that she made bathing suits? Wonderful cuts, so comfortable to race in. Gay was truly a renaissance woman. 

Aside from the swimming world, I'll miss our conversations most. The visits sitting on her couch with Suzie the yorkie running around and flipping on her back to have her belly rubbed. Gay was incredibly intelligent and it was so much fun talking to her. We would have the deepest discussions from swimming, politics, fashion, science, religion.... you name it. Or when I went through troubling times she was always there to listen. She was there for so many people.

Around March 2020 I had convinced Gay to take a stab at coaching Masters. Nothing was set in stone but we were hoping to start a branch of Westchester Masters with her coaching. It's a shame that we lost her so soon. She was a brilliant coach and I think it would have been a interesting new challenge for her to work with the adult set.

Life is so unpredictable and we never truly know how much time we have. I'm so incredibly grateful for the time I did have with her and for all that she taught me. 

I love you Gay.

I started weight watchers weeks ago expecting this journey to be easy. Well it's not. On April 28th of this year, I was back in the water swimming with Yonkers Masters. I had the fantasy that all the weight would magically peel off without having to do weight watchers, that didn't happen. Then after going on weight watchers the magic didn't start at that point either. Actually there is no "magic" with any plan you join. You need the right mindset and the self-discipline to see it through.

COVID was not kind to my body. Actually that's false. I was not kind to my body. I let everything go, food became my comfort, then alarm bells went off and I got back to swimming in June 2020 to begin to lose the weight. Then I got kicked out of my apartment, which was great for my weight problem. I had so much anxiety I couldn't eat. I started losing. On November 1st of that year I moved into my parents house and I put everything I had lost right back on. 

I can't blame everything on COVID. This started really in 2014. I stopped swimming with the Silver Streaks. I was starting to feel my age and pushing to keep up with teenagers was really tough. I lost a friend that I was really close with. It started me on a journey of needing space and purposely slowing myself so I could be in slower lanes. I stopped swimming with the team regularly.  I started a job that had so much stress, eating and drinking at night became my salvation. In 20l7, I was not happy with the weight I had put on and when I came back from Hungary joined Weight Watchers. Amazingly I lost it all. Then our leader started to disappear and with no explanation why. I started to eat again, because I was really pissed that she was gone and put all the weight back on again. Later, I found out she was battling cancer and unfortunately had lost. I didn't handle this well and lost my desire to count and track.

Giving up competing was the worse thing I could have done. I'm extremely goal driven. Without a goal of competing I have allowed myself to fall totally out of shape. COVID hit and there were no pools, no competitions and it spiraled me further down this avenue to poor health. Apparently, I've been talking about it a lot. When I announce to people I've gained forty pounds I get responses like, "You have to get over that" or "I heard about it on Facebook". It kind of shocked me. I thought to myself am I complaining a lot? Well, TOO BAD.

When someone starts harping on something it's obviously something that they are struggling with. I say, "I'm forty pounds over weight", because I'm trying to face the reality of it and shock myself into motivation. I'm not into appearances. I keep it real with everyone in my life. If you are on my facebook page you will know there are good times and bad times. If you are looking for a "perfect, happy, timeline" then I suggest hiding my feed. Seriously, everyone is suffering. Let's be real, nothing is perfect all the time.

2 weeks ago was rock bottom for me. I had gained weight again and I was struggling with the compulsive eating train ride that happens after work. When I was a kid I was thin but healthy. My pediatrician in front of my mother said, "let her eat whatever she wants. Let her eat a whole cake if she wants to". That was all I needed to hear. Sheet cakes would disappear in our home. I would eat several sweets at a time. I loved binge eating. The high you get from the sugar. I don't know what got into this doctor. That is the worst thing anyone could every say to anyone. I was basically given permission to abuse myself and develop an addiction. 

As an adult, swimming the way I have, you burn a lot of calories. This naturally gives you the luxury of eating more. When all exercise stops, weight just packs on. This can happen to any athlete so easily because you have the luxury of eating mass quantities of food. Stop exercising, and it catches up with you so fast.

So after a few more nights of going off the rails, I struggled to stay within my point range. I started tracking these nights of indulgence only to find that the points for the whole week were disappearing. 

So I decided that I need to go on a cleanse and then a meal plan just to take the pressure off of trying to manage this and focus on just eating what was delivered. I LOVE Urban remedy. I'm reading the book now. I had the book for awhile but never had the time to read it fully. When you focus on eating for health I think it becomes easier to eat right. Finding the root cause of why you are eating the way you currently are is key. Neka Pasquale practices traditional Chinese medicine and brings all this knowledge into her juices and foods. They are gluten free and vegan. Her blog has a lot of great information.

A lot of people view a cleanse as a punishment but it can be something so much different. It can be a sacred space that you carve out for yourself to give back to your body and soul. It's a time to give yourself the care you need. What's key for me is to plan, and stick to the plan. Also, to replace the bad habits with good habits. 

Another tool I'm using are hypnosis tracks. Unfortunately Dick Sutphen is no longer with us but many of his tracks are still available for purchase. I have many of them. The Zen CD was so helpful to me. Currently I'm listing to the weight loss zapper. 

However I needed a little punishment to get started. I wanted someone to yell in my ear stop doing this to yourself. You need to get with the program and start that diet! That's actually what I don't like about weight watchers. It's a "lifestyle" it's not a diet. WRONG. When your eating has become that out of control. It's a diet. Lifestyle is what we have to work into and eventually embrace to get the out come we want. It doesn't make the hard work any easier of sticking to a limit everyday. There is simply no other way to do it. There is a limit and you can't eat whatever  you want when you want. 

The struggle is real. 

 Yesterday I swam Grimaldo's Mile in Coney Island. I haven't swam the race in years and it was the first event I jumped on for 2021. I haven't been in competition since 2019, my body hasn't held an average heart rate of 135 bmp for a half hour in a long time.

Before the race a swimmer said to me,"How fast are you going to go? I'm going to do a 31. What are you going to do?" I simply replied. I don't know.  Honestly, I didn't care. Laughing with friends later we joked about our "Low Expectations", which meant;  finishing the race, swimming straight and making sure you had time to run out to the car and pay the meter. 

In all seriousness, I HATE with a PASSION talking about times before a race. I know what I'm going to be able to do, and I certainly don't want to discuss it with you. I don't want to play that mental game. I don't want to be ranked even before I start. I want to swim for the joy of swimming.

In masters we have a wonderful luxury, swimming for the joy of it. That doesn't mean we don't push hard or have goals. It's a yogic philosophy of "do your best". So yesterday even though I'm capable of more when I'm in shape I was pretty happy with a 37.00 for a mile.

My heart breaks for Simone Biles. It's unfortunate to probably be at your last olympics and not be able to compete the way you had planed. But, what a SMART GIRL! Is it worth paralyzing yourself to win? Is it worth possibly costing your team a medal? BRAVO Simone for standing up for what is right for you! Simone practices the JOY of Gymnastics. It's a wonderful path to be on.

It saddens me when athletes only care about wining and time and don't focus on what else the path can bring them. Friendships, health, exercise, and losing with grace.

Recently I've made some choices in my life that have probably surprised a lot of people and even myself. Sometimes losing is the best gift you can give yourself. It can preserve your mental sanity and also be a path to greater health.

Now don't get me wrong. I LOVE to compete but I compete with balance. I compete against myself and push myself when the timing is right. I compete on my terms and no one else's.  Now to the pool, because lord knows I have a lot of work to do! Amen.