The last time I wrote in this blog was November 28, 2021. I had no comprehension how deeply Gay Silverman's death would impact me and how it would take well over a year to understand why I had so much trouble dealing with her death.

The funeral was extremely surreal for me. It was interesting to see all the different people in her life come together. If you were part of the swimming world you could easily forget that Gay had more friends and family outside of it. I left with a more comprehensive picture of her life. After the service, it started to snow. It felt extremely magical, even the rabbi said so. When I arrived at the cemetery hundreds of crows flew out of the trees. When this occurred it felt like unique type of magic was leaving the earth.

Gay was jewish and I had never attended a jewish funeral before. It seemed similar in many ways to what I was use to except when we reached the cemetery. I was honored to participate in the tradition of shoveling dirt on the casket, although this was extremely hard for me to do. I'm very glad I did it because it did help ground me in the fact that Gay was no longer with us. It was nice to be able to meet up with a few teammates that were on the team when I was on it from 2006 - 2011. I had mentioned Swim Across America and doing a swim to honor Gay. There seemed to be some interest, so I thought starting a team might be a good idea.

I sat shiva back at her home. It was nice to see familiar faces and meet her sons and family. It brought back a lot of the memories of when I had been there over the years. I had worn my Silver Streaks team jacket through the whole experience. It is decorated with some of the Top Ten wins Gay helped me earn and I have not worn this jacket since.

After the funeral everything seemed different and the impact of Gay's death hit me extremely hard. I didn't want to swim, I didn't really want to get out of bed, I was truly lost and depressed. 

2021 was a SHIT year. The Mark Twain pool was still going through closings, COVID was still going strong, my cousins father died who was like a second father to me growing up and Gay disappeared after her surgery, reappeared to tell me she was in hospice and in what seemed like a flash, died before I could deal with the fact that she was really going to die.

After her death, I discovered how intertwined she was with the reason I swam and my life in general. I questioned whether I was competing to gain her approval or if this was something that I was truly driven to do on my own. I struggled with the fact that I could no longer call her. I couldn't share with her any of my experiences after I raced. I missed our conversations that discussed just about everything. Shockingly I didn't want to swim at all. So I didn't. 

I stopped contributing to all the social media pages I run having to do with swimming. I pulled away from the master club groups I manage on facebook. I couldn't answer emails.  I felt extremely broken.

I did eventually get back into the pool but by the end of May in 2022 I  caught COVID and it really set me back. I was sick for 3 weeks. I was well enough to go on my vacation but I barely had the strength to swim once I got there. With this set back, I had no desire to go for top ten that year and just took things day by day. 

I wanted to start a Swim Across America team to honor Gay but I was not emotionally ready to do it. I needed time to heal and after I got COVID I took life step by step. 

It wasn't until a year later that I started to feel some relief and stopped beating myself up for only seeing Gay once in hospice. 

This February I got the courage to start a Swim Across America team. My fear would be that no one would join and I would be all doing it all alone but I got encouragement from several others and kicked it off. 

Then, I did nothing because I simply couldn't. Before I knew it, June had come, I was going away to the Lake and I knew if I didn't start getting the word out by that point it might be hard to get people geared up for the event. By that time, priorities had shifted for people and some were able to donate and others simply couldn't join the team. 

I wish I had pushed through the fear initially and had been more proactive about getting the word out. It's in the past and I keep pushing forward. Over my vacation I started reaching out and asking for donations. I've asked people directly, generated social media posts, made flyers and sent emails.

I am completely blown away by the support that I received from friends and family. To date, I've raised 11,107.00. Without all of their help I never could have reached this point. Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to donate to this most important cause! Swim Across America funds research labs are making differences in cancer treatment. Without this funding it simply doesn't happen at the volume needed to combat this deadly disease. I'll be forever thankful to my friend Cindy Thornton for introducing me to this great organization. For the past 2 years I've raised money for Team Jason.

When you feel completely powerless when someone dies from cancer like Gay or continues to battle it like my father and various friends, fundraising can at least make you feel like you are doing something to help change things. It gives you a sense that at least you can control something.

I've been slowly stepping myself onto a better track. I've been asking myself questions like, "Why did I stop competing"?. (I haven't been to a national competition since 2014) I've really allowed myself to fall so incredibly far from where I was. The answers for this are extremely complicated. 

I am looking forward, to carving a new path to better health overall one competition at a time. After a year and half, I finally realized that I never visited Gay that second time in hospice because I simply couldn't except that she was going to die. I couldn't, and didn't want to say, "Goodbye". It was a realization that created a huge release for me and finally lifted some of the guilt off my shoulders.

On July 29th I'm going to swim the 5K at Larchmont Yacht Club. On August 5th I'll be swimming the 200 fly. Both events are dedicated to raising money for cancer research. 

If you have not made a donation, would it be possible to consider joining my cancer fighting tribe? We need you! The help is greatly appreciated to help win the war on cancer. 

Thank you again for all of your help along the way!!! I'm forever grateful to all my donors and teammate Devon Marrero: Adria & Debbie, AJ, Alissa Green, Aunt Donna and Uncle Bruce, Brian Wu, Charles Hallock, Charles W. Clemens, Chris Davey, Diana, Evelyn Foley, Sheila Mcqueen, Melania Krawchuk, Chhaya Susanna Feder, Pichya Peter, Geoffrey A. Hockert, Sharon Snyder, Patricia Teran-Santos, Steven Goran, Fern Becker, Lee Innocenti, Fiona Russo, Frank Nugent, Heather Kyff, Jean Kyff, John Thomas, Lorraine Weatherhogg, Marty K., Megan W., Pasquale Bonfrisco, Pat McDonnell, Patrick Luzzi, Richard A. Benson, The Cicero family and Tracy LeBright.

Cancer I'm coming for you July 29th! Be ready!!! Please join me!!!

Training at Sprain Ridge Pool for the SAA BIG SWIM on July 29th