As 2023 wrapped up, I was excited about going on my first Kundalini yoga retreat, then I would go strait into the Christmas holiday and finally would wrap up the year jetsetting to Vegas to ring in the New Year by watching the Dita Von Tease show. Sounds awesome right? It pretty much was except, the flight from Mexico to Charlotte gave me a half hour to go through customs, transfer my bags to the connecting flight and ultimately go through security. Pumped up with total adrenaline, I was set on achieving this goal. Feeling like a new person after my week of Kundalini yoga, I ran with my carry-on like I was in a marathon, only to find myself at the wrong gate and ultimately missing my flight. Two days later, I couldn't use my right arm. Swimming has been off the table ever since leaving me perplexed as to why it wasn't healing as quickly as I wanted it to. The irony in all this was I was losing weight, becoming in better shape and even completed in the 400 IM and 200 fly at the "Dr. Bill Ross Memorial Masters Swim Meet" on November 19th. Coming back from the COVID era was difficult for me. I had developed some really bad eating and drinking habits and was up to 214 lbs with absolutely no exercise routine at all. I started with walking because it took awhile for pools to consistently come back. From 2021 to 2022, I was battling bad sciatica and finally found a physical therapist who had made a difference in the pain. During this time, I had agreed to reduce my yardage and since then I only hit 3,200.00 yards as a high on average. However, in the later half of 2023, my yardage was starting to increase. I had set my sights on Nationals and it looks like I've secured two top ten wins for 2023 (unless some results sneek in in the next few days). "Nothing lasts forever". It was a phrase my that mom's mom is known for. There is a lot of widsom in this statement. It actually aligns strongly with the buddhist principle of "impermanence". It's also a word commonly mentioned by my guru and it's just a fact of life I guess. It does teach us to value what we have when we have it, but also not to grasp and become attached, as indeed it will not last forever.... nothing does. So after living it up in Vegas for 2 days stuffing my face with great foods, and watching incredible shows, I also had time to jump into the Venetain pool. My friend is not a swimmer but as we swam in this pool parallel to each other, I struggled through the pain to keep up with to him and wondered... Why hasn't this healed yet? Something is really wrong.

After returning from Vegas, I was hit with a massive sinus infection which also was another factor to not hit the gym or pool. January 8th was my follow up with my physiatrist at Hospital of Special Surgery and I knew I could have her check out the arm. After tests, she was not sure if it was torn, and I was scheduled for an MRI. The results came in over the weekend. The x-rays had initially shown early arthris - not great but o.k. The MRI showed that there was no tear but unfortunately I've lost 1.3 cm of cartilage already on my shoulder joint. I was in so much shock in the appointment I forgot to ask when I could swim again. Apparently one day I'll be a candidate to have a shoulder replacement but this didn't sit well with me because it will severely limit my range of motion. My next stop is consulting with a specialist in shoulders at HSS because I'd like to know if there is anything we can do to slow this down. Apparently, this is a plight that a lot of athletes have. So, apparently I'm not alone in this by any means. I wish that made me feel betterabout the whole thing. My plans for Long Course Nationals are on hold as I await my first PT appointment. I simply do not know at this point when I'll be back in the water. It's so incredibly frustrating because I thought I could make a comeback. Now I really don't know how far I should push it to help preserve the life of my shoulder vs what I can get out of it today. On November 08, 2021 I started my new job at Cannondale. Ironically, I bought 2 bikes this fall as an investment as I wanted to see if I could get better at cycling. At least the knees are pretty good. Looks like more biking is in my future, at least for now. See you at "Cycle Bar" next week bitches! Water, I miss you. Love, A Mermaid.

 Today I'm feeling really good. Yesterday, July 29th I swam the 5K at Larchmont Yacht Club for Swim Across America.

The day before the event I decided to ask people directly for donations across Linked-In and Facebook. I was touched by donations I saw come in came after my swim the next day.

I really didn't know how the day would go, because last year the swim was extremely hard for me. Gay's death was still something I was struggling with at that point and COVID left me feeling like total crap. I also had worn a one piece suit that acted as a net for what felt like a million sea lice that were stinging me the whole 2k swim. It was a difficult day. 

I thought to myself, "How could you be this stupid?" I know sea lice love ocean bays and I could have worn a two-piece and used anti itch lotion. Really, what was I thinking?

This year I wised up and I wore a two-piece but only covered the bottom half with the anti-itch lotion. I got hit slightly this year, but all and all I did o.k.

The sky can be so awesome at 6am. Many of us miss these views because we are just not out of the house that early. They seem even more beautiful when they are near a body of water. Yesterday was no exception. 

Larchmont Yacht Club - SAA open water swim start

After I got through registration, I escape the crowds and go to the farthest point away from everyone to recover from all that crazy energy. I'll put on sunscreen and get ready for the safety talk. Our bags are lined up to be transported to Larchmont Shore Club where we eventually hit the finish. After the safety talk, we walk to the dock to start the swim. 

One last pic before the swim!

5K swimmers go first ahead of the 2k swimmers. You have an option of taking a rose petal to throw in the water and you are guided down the dock to jump into the water. 

At the start of the 5K swim everyone swam pretty fast at the start. This was not my goal. I was swimming for the joy of it today so I was taking my time. After the pack rushed past me I saw how far away the first boat was. I felt like I was going to swim into the middle of the sound. When swims get a little hard for me mentally I concentrate on my breathing pattern. The Silver Streaks were big on bi-lateral breathing and I'll fall into a pattern of three strokes one breath, three strokes one breath. When I forget about this, I start saying my mantra which has carried me through some of the toughest swims.  I truly feel this mantra yesterday transformed the day. I felt like I had reached a zen-like state by the time I reached the shore. 

After I got to the big boat, I stretched out a little because my back has been my greatest enemy the last 8 years. It's prevented me from doing longer OWS swims and I also had cut back on swimming a lot because the sciatic pain was bad in practice. Last year I had someone work with me in P.T. and finally the pain is better. If I keep up with my exercises, the pain is almost gone and it looks like I'll have a chance to get fast again possibly. 

Thoughts of the last time I heard Gays voice arose. I had forgotten about this. When you are swimming 3 miles you have a lot of time to think. After I had visited Gay in hospice, I was going to go down to Calvary after 2 weeks had passed. She told me she had to see someone else as they were coming in from Texas and we didn't end up scheduling anything after that. Gay was a fighter and even though she was in hospice she worked really hard to get up walking again after the chemo and surgery. She put on such a brave face that it fooled me because I convinced myself she would have more time. I wanted to come down to see her again but communication sometimes was spotty and you were not always aware of how things were going. She called me one day while I was in a meeting. I heard her voice come in through my Apple Watch. In a split reaction I hung up and texted her I'll call you right back I'm in a meeting. I never heard from Gay again. She had become to ill to talk to anyone after that point except immediate family. Why I didn't leave the meeting?? I have no idea but after having sometime to think about this I'm convinced both of us didn't really want to say, "Goodbye". The guilt of not answering that call stuck with me a long time.

SAA 5k Swim from Larchmont Yacht Club to Larchmont Shore Club

A kayaker kept me company through most of the way. After the stretch of the swim that was parallel to shore I stretched again and started on the journey to head into the finish. The support team was getting a kick out of the fact that I was doing all 4 strokes throughout. I simply was doing this to keep my body loose and relaxed because I wasn't in the best of shape. Also, I didn't see too many bikinis in the field. I must have looked comical in a sea of wetsuits.

The big red ballon was a huge help. As you got closer to shore, it was that encouraging friend you need to help you keep going. My body was starting to cramp. I was glad when I finally made it to shore. Totally dazed and out of it I was congratulated and handed a water, medal and towel. Then I signed in to confirm I made it out of the water in one piece. Completing this swim without any major back issues was really encouraging as I know now I could do even better with the right training. If all aligns perfectly, I'll be swimming across Lake Balaton in Hungary next year which is also a 3 mile swim!!! 

The big red ballon that kept me sane during the last half of my swim.

I went to a few tables to pick up some free stuff. Hospitals with research centers and various companies are there handing out free swag. Then I went inside to get some free breakfast, as the hunger kicked in from this 1,500 calorie burning trek. 

As most of you know I have celiac and I got smarter this year. I brought an O' Doughs bagel and fashioned a breakfast sandwich with the 2 items I can eat, "black forest ham and scrambled eggs". I wash it down with some O.J. and I'm right as rain.

Gluten free bagel with scrambled eggs and black forest ham

I picked up the brochure which features write ups from all the teams. Team Gay Silverman was featured with the rest of the teams who were formed to memorialize someone. 

Team Gay Silverman in the SAA booklet.

The SAA events will typically have doctors come up and speak to the research they are working on. Teams names will be called out and they will announce how much that location earned at the very end. I tried filming it but missed some of it. You can hear my disappointment in the video clip. lol

It was surreal for me to see Team Gay Silverman written on the team award. 

The SAA booklet, finisher medal and team plaque.

Cindy Thornton and I then meet up after the swim to run around and take pictures. Over the last three years she's really taught me a lot about fun raising and has been instrumental in getting me involved with this wonderful organization.

Jennifer Kyff and Cindy Thornton SAA Team Captains.

Today Devon Marrero and I  have raised, $12,788 for Team Gay Silverman.

A BIG thank you to all my donors for helping to make this possible: Adria & Debbie, AJ, Alissa Green, Aunt Donna and Uncle Bruce, Brian Wu, Charles Hallock, Charles W. Clemens, Chris Davey, Diana, Evelyn Foley, Sheila Mcqueen, Melania Krawchuk, Chhaya Susanna Feder, Pichya Peter, Geoffrey A. Hockert, Sharon Snyder, Patricia Teran-Santos, Steven Goran, Fern Becker, Lee Innocenti, Fiona Russo, Frank Nugent, Heather Kyff, Jean Kyff, John Thomas, Lorraine Weatherhogg, Marty K., Megan W., Pasquale Bonfrisco, Pat McDonnell, Patrick Luzzi, Richard A. Benson, The Cicero family, Tracy LeBright, all the Anonymous donors, Aaron Esau, Adrian, Andrea Velazquez, Andy, Blaquaman of Phatlantis, Cindy, Dan, Dan Frisch, Darren "The Dude", Diana, Erin Gorman, Janine Martella, Jenn DeOliverira Giorgio, Joe Peraino, John McGrath, Julie Holodak, Juliet Coulthard, Lisa, Patty Mccsbe, Peter and Sarah Kosa, Rachel, Rita, Tom Williams, and Unkamen Abyssianians 

I've never been so happy knowing that I've had everyone's help to fight cancer!

Thank you too, Swim Across America and all the wonderful volunteers! 

Remember if you have corporate match please submit the donation for matching!! Let's maximize our efforts to fight cancer!!!

Wait there's more!!! Fundraising doesn't stop at this event!!! I'm swimming the 200 fly August 5th to raise money for cancer research as well! There is still time to donate! I'm dreaming of hitting 14k!!!!

 The last time I wrote in this blog was November 28, 2021. I had no comprehension how deeply Gay Silverman's death would impact me and how it would take well over a year to understand why I had so much trouble dealing with her death.

The funeral was extremely surreal for me. It was interesting to see all the different people in her life come together. If you were part of the swimming world you could easily forget that Gay had more friends and family outside of it. I left with a more comprehensive picture of her life. After the service, it started to snow. It felt extremely magical, even the rabbi said so. When I arrived at the cemetery hundreds of crows flew out of the trees. When this occurred it felt like unique type of magic was leaving the earth.

Gay was jewish and I had never attended a jewish funeral before. It seemed similar in many ways to what I was use to except when we reached the cemetery. I was honored to participate in the tradition of shoveling dirt on the casket, although this was extremely hard for me to do. I'm very glad I did it because it did help ground me in the fact that Gay was no longer with us. It was nice to be able to meet up with a few teammates that were on the team when I was on it from 2006 - 2011. I had mentioned Swim Across America and doing a swim to honor Gay. There seemed to be some interest, so I thought starting a team might be a good idea.

I sat shiva back at her home. It was nice to see familiar faces and meet her sons and family. It brought back a lot of the memories of when I had been there over the years. I had worn my Silver Streaks team jacket through the whole experience. It is decorated with some of the Top Ten wins Gay helped me earn and I have not worn this jacket since.

After the funeral everything seemed different and the impact of Gay's death hit me extremely hard. I didn't want to swim, I didn't really want to get out of bed, I was truly lost and depressed. 

2021 was a SHIT year. The Mark Twain pool was still going through closings, COVID was still going strong, my cousins father died who was like a second father to me growing up and Gay disappeared after her surgery, reappeared to tell me she was in hospice and in what seemed like a flash, died before I could deal with the fact that she was really going to die.

After her death, I discovered how intertwined she was with the reason I swam and my life in general. I questioned whether I was competing to gain her approval or if this was something that I was truly driven to do on my own. I struggled with the fact that I could no longer call her. I couldn't share with her any of my experiences after I raced. I missed our conversations that discussed just about everything. Shockingly I didn't want to swim at all. So I didn't. 

I stopped contributing to all the social media pages I run having to do with swimming. I pulled away from the master club groups I manage on facebook. I couldn't answer emails.  I felt extremely broken.

I did eventually get back into the pool but by the end of May in 2022 I  caught COVID and it really set me back. I was sick for 3 weeks. I was well enough to go on my vacation but I barely had the strength to swim once I got there. With this set back, I had no desire to go for top ten that year and just took things day by day. 

I wanted to start a Swim Across America team to honor Gay but I was not emotionally ready to do it. I needed time to heal and after I got COVID I took life step by step. 

It wasn't until a year later that I started to feel some relief and stopped beating myself up for only seeing Gay once in hospice. 

This February I got the courage to start a Swim Across America team. My fear would be that no one would join and I would be all doing it all alone but I got encouragement from several others and kicked it off. 

Then, I did nothing because I simply couldn't. Before I knew it, June had come, I was going away to the Lake and I knew if I didn't start getting the word out by that point it might be hard to get people geared up for the event. By that time, priorities had shifted for people and some were able to donate and others simply couldn't join the team. 

I wish I had pushed through the fear initially and had been more proactive about getting the word out. It's in the past and I keep pushing forward. Over my vacation I started reaching out and asking for donations. I've asked people directly, generated social media posts, made flyers and sent emails.

I am completely blown away by the support that I received from friends and family. To date, I've raised 11,107.00. Without all of their help I never could have reached this point. Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to donate to this most important cause! Swim Across America funds research labs are making differences in cancer treatment. Without this funding it simply doesn't happen at the volume needed to combat this deadly disease. I'll be forever thankful to my friend Cindy Thornton for introducing me to this great organization. For the past 2 years I've raised money for Team Jason.

When you feel completely powerless when someone dies from cancer like Gay or continues to battle it like my father and various friends, fundraising can at least make you feel like you are doing something to help change things. It gives you a sense that at least you can control something.

I've been slowly stepping myself onto a better track. I've been asking myself questions like, "Why did I stop competing"?. (I haven't been to a national competition since 2014) I've really allowed myself to fall so incredibly far from where I was. The answers for this are extremely complicated. 

I am looking forward, to carving a new path to better health overall one competition at a time. After a year and half, I finally realized that I never visited Gay that second time in hospice because I simply couldn't except that she was going to die. I couldn't, and didn't want to say, "Goodbye". It was a realization that created a huge release for me and finally lifted some of the guilt off my shoulders.

On July 29th I'm going to swim the 5K at Larchmont Yacht Club. On August 5th I'll be swimming the 200 fly. Both events are dedicated to raising money for cancer research. 

If you have not made a donation, would it be possible to consider joining my cancer fighting tribe? We need you! The help is greatly appreciated to help win the war on cancer. 

Thank you again for all of your help along the way!!! I'm forever grateful to all my donors and teammate Devon Marrero: Adria & Debbie, AJ, Alissa Green, Aunt Donna and Uncle Bruce, Brian Wu, Charles Hallock, Charles W. Clemens, Chris Davey, Diana, Evelyn Foley, Sheila Mcqueen, Melania Krawchuk, Chhaya Susanna Feder, Pichya Peter, Geoffrey A. Hockert, Sharon Snyder, Patricia Teran-Santos, Steven Goran, Fern Becker, Lee Innocenti, Fiona Russo, Frank Nugent, Heather Kyff, Jean Kyff, John Thomas, Lorraine Weatherhogg, Marty K., Megan W., Pasquale Bonfrisco, Pat McDonnell, Patrick Luzzi, Richard A. Benson, The Cicero family and Tracy LeBright.

Cancer I'm coming for you July 29th! Be ready!!! Please join me!!!

Training at Sprain Ridge Pool for the SAA BIG SWIM on July 29th

Yesterday, November 27th, I learned that Gay Silverman had passed away the previous day.

I just want you to know........You are never really ready to lose a coach. I ran out of time with Gay. 

Gay Silverman was the coach of the Silver Streaks which was the age group team that I joined back in the 80's for only 9 months. Our time was short in the 80's but I learned more than I knew at the time in those 9 months. Later in life, around 2004 all the learnings from Allen and Gay Silverman began to become unlocked as I slowly got back into swimming through a masters swim program in Yonkers. 

After getting a taste of what I knew might be possible as I was still in my early 30's I reached out to Gay in 2005 and wrote her the following email:

Friday, December 23, 2005 10:31 AM

Subject: Silver Streaks Alumni

Dear Gay,

I don't know if you remember me but I swam for your team probably back in 1986-ish. I was watching the meet that was at Apex last weekend. I saw the Streaks and stopped by to say "Hello" but you weren't there.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm currently a masters swimmer and placed 8th in the Short Course Yard Nationals last year with a time of 27.41. I missed competition swimming so much and I'm really enjoying it right now. Thank you so much for giving me the foundation that enables me to compete today. The streaks really taught me to have drive and be competitive. I'll also never forgot when you worked with me to correct my "scissor" kick in breaststroke.

I'm going out on a limb here but do you have any of my old times....I'm just curious to see what I was hitting back then.....Do you remember what events you and Alan thought I would excel at?

Do you ever allow "drop-ins" at your team practices?.....I'm not getting the coaching I need. I want to do better at the Nationals this year and I think I'm going to the World's in August.

Ironically, Heather swam for Yonkers Masters for about a year in  2003-2004 and doesn't want to swim currently. I keep on "haunting" her though....maybe some day she'll cave.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Kyff

And this is the response I received:

Re: Silver Streaks Alumni

Dear Jennifer,

 

Of course I remember you.  I'm sorry that I missed you at the Badger Meet.  I took 10 of our fastest swimmers to Rutgers for a very fast meet and so I was not at Lehman. 

 

I'm so glad that you started swimming again.  I remember that you had to stop because your mom had a spot on her lung and the family's energy was directed in helping her to get better.  I was sorry to see you leave.  But things have a way of working out.  Mom recovered and you started swimming in a master's program.  I think that the 27.41 is much better than you ever hit.

 

After the holidays I will try to look up your times.  The problem is that you did not finish the season and also you were on the team before we used the computer to record everything.  There is a chance that I have all of your times and I will look for it.

 

Yes, come and join us at practice.  Next week we swim on Tues. 7-9 and Wed. 8-9:45 ( I am not at this practice.

 

Then after that we swim on tues, fri 7-9 at greenburgh cc wed. from 8-9:45 at greenburgh, mon. 7-9 at Hackley, sat 8-10AM at greenburgh.  I'd love to see you.  Come with or without suit.  You are welcome.

 

Fondly,

Gay Silverman

 

And that's how it all started. These two emails kicked off being coached by Gay for seven years in my 30's to reclaim what we were never able to accomplish when I was a teen. Gay was a fan of the underdog and she would most assuredly make sure you were as successful as you could be. 

Unfortunately, because of my recent move and job change all the notes for this story are buried and Gay will never get to read what I'll write about this experience. My last nationals with some oversight from Gay was in 2014 and I medaled in all 6 events. As a masters swimmer I've earned 21 Top Ten wins and honestly it would have not been possible without Gay. 

This experience became the foundation for this blog. It's the story of how a late to the game competitive age group swimmer missed a chance to reach full potential and 13 years later reembarked on a competitive swimming odyssey. This story and Gay are so deeply intertwined. One day I'll finish writing it. Today I'm still coming to grips with the fact that my coach is no longer here.

Yesterday I started reading others tributes and experiences about Gay. It's really incredible to see all the people she's helped. I tried to form my mind about how I would start to write a piece that could pay tribute and I started by looking up the synonyms of what a coach is, one of which is  "teacher".

Gay's actual profession started in teaching and when I joined the team she was a technique coach and assisting Allen her husband. Through all the kids she coached, her legacy will surely live on, as we all learned something very special and different from her and I'm sure we will all pass it on in some unique way. In this way Gay Silverman's legacy will live on forever.

While I was on the team with Allen and Gay I learned discipline and the drive to compete but in my later years with Gay I would say the greatest lesson I learned was to push through the fear of pain and it's what I attribute all my top ten wins today to. Gay told me I'm extremely hard to coach so I'm grateful that she had the patience to work with me and teach me all that she did.

Any one that knew Gay knows how incredibly giving she was. The Silver Streaks was a team that was diverse and inclusive and enabled those to participate in a sport when it wasn't always accessible to them. There is no way I could write a proper tribute to Gay today. I'm still trying to process the loss and why this happened this way. I've been looking up the meaning of "Acceptance" because this was something I certainly wasn't doing regarding Gay's condition in the last 6 months.

"Acceptance is like sitting in a field, looking up at the sky and watching the clouds go by. There is no resistance to the moment to moment experience, there is only observation and acceptance. It would be silly to watch the clouds and be upset that they are not forming into the specific shapes we want. And yet, that’s exactly what we do in life."

I kept going back in my mind that she would somehow be o.k. I'm looking back on these thoughts today and seeing how crazy this was because she was in hospice. There was so much more I wanted to say and do but time ran out. For months I kept asking God why her because there are so many rotten people in the world. It's horrible to say but true. There is a Hungarian saying, " They are so evil not even the devil wants them". I'm so frustrated when we loose such incredibly good people.

Did I mention that Gay was Hungarian? I think that was part of the reason I had a special connection with her since I was a kid. There was a certain familiarity when you see your heritage in someone else. Or was it because she stood behind me as a kid and worked my legs over and over in the proper breaststroke kick pattern so my kick would be legal? She took this time on a 13 year old. Not many coaches would bother at this point but there was such care and pride that went into everything she did. Did I mention that she made bathing suits? Wonderful cuts, so comfortable to race in. Gay was truly a renaissance woman. 

Aside from the swimming world, I'll miss our conversations most. The visits sitting on her couch with Suzie the yorkie running around and flipping on her back to have her belly rubbed. Gay was incredibly intelligent and it was so much fun talking to her. We would have the deepest discussions from swimming, politics, fashion, science, religion.... you name it. Or when I went through troubling times she was always there to listen. She was there for so many people.

Around March 2020 I had convinced Gay to take a stab at coaching Masters. Nothing was set in stone but we were hoping to start a branch of Westchester Masters with her coaching. It's a shame that we lost her so soon. She was a brilliant coach and I think it would have been a interesting new challenge for her to work with the adult set.

Life is so unpredictable and we never truly know how much time we have. I'm so incredibly grateful for the time I did have with her and for all that she taught me. 

I love you Gay.