I hate new years resolutions. They can come as tall orders. Most of them fail. I'm already starting to feel the pressure because there is so much to do. Breathe.... Baby Steps.


A lot of what holds us back I think... the root cause, is fear of failure. If we don't try, well, we can't fail right? It's a win, win. Unfortunately, if you can't fail, you also reduce your chances of success. So, to succeed we need to learn to fail, to fail often and fail well.

To fail well to me means failing with grace. Brushing yourself off and saying o.k. It's time to try again no matter how tough it is to start all over. If we don't keep trying, how can we succeed?

It's been so long since I've been in shape, I'm beginning to doubt if it is possible. Can I stick with it? Will I get into shape again? Can I make another nationals? Do I want to go to nationals? Will I ever be fast again? Will the weight come off? Can I get addicted to exercise again as my doctor recommends me to? Will the pool I'm swimming at become less chaotic?

I DON'T KNOW.

That's the truth. So Breathe.... Baby Steps.... in the water 3x a week. We start with that. We don't time ourselves. We try to get back into interval sets. When the arm goes numb we ease off. We take it slow, don't want tendinitis. We are not young anymore. Sciatica pain runs down my legs. My toes are numb in my right foot. The knee has pain. I push through gently building strength. It takes time. But I stay at it. Breathe..... you can do it. Just 2500 this week, don't go up to 3,000 yet. Slowly inch your way up. You'll get there again. Don't worry.

I was all gung-ho thinking I would get 3 days of swimming in this week. I thought after training for my job on Friday I would have the energy to drive back to Jersey after spending the day in NYC. Yeah.... by the end of the day this plan was not going to happen. My training happened in a room where constant air conditioning air was blowing on me from both sides so I had a perpetual chill running down my body even with a sweater dress on. The guy next to me had a horrible cold and was constantly sneezing. I couldn't get out of the garage when I got back via train.... I was so mentally shot and exhausted the security guard had to come and help me out.



It's important to rest sometimes and not push yourself. Respecting what is good for you that day is important. This fall I'm retreating a lot. I'm not going out. I need time to get work done internally, in my home and to mentally and physically rest. Today my lungs are starting to burn and I'm exhausted. I now can complete 10 x 50 fly on a minute with flippers on. Something tells me to rest today and not push it. So I'm staying home.

So as I'm training getting ready to compete in a meet again I'm thinking of the swimmers I'm coaching all the time. As I'm coaching myself which isn't the best case scenario however I'm testing out the drills I'll use to help them in practice. Ideas come to mind and it helps me formulate and put together what I'm going to do on deck later in the week. I coach improv style mostly. Sometimes I think I'll do something specific and based on the day and who shows up in the lane it could be totally different.

I also coach from a Yogic view. Do your best. However your best that day might be doing 3 laps. That's o.k. You did 3. You showed up. That was your best. But we need to be responsible with the truth of what our best is. Is that really your best? Are we lying to ourselves? Are we capable of more? Today for me resting is my best. Giving my body the chance to recover and fight off what I feel is a sickness coming on, is the best move. And that's o.k. It's o.k. not to be going at 110% at all times. Balance is key.

So what I find so sad in swimming is I run into a ton of former age groupers who never want to look at the water again because they were burnt out on the sport. Unfortunately, they haven't learned that there is the midway path and swimming in masters doesn't have to be a 110% effort at all times. We swim for fitness. We swim for fun and with friends. We don't swim to burn ourselves out.

Personally I have found if I don't compete a little bit I have no motivation to swim at all. I need a meet because it forces me to say in shape. Meets are painful if you are not conditioned so I have a requirement that will keep me in shape. Still I have a long way to go and the weight is not dropping. So myfitnesspal starts next week.

It's on. That's right you heard me. I'm all fired up. I've picked out my meets for the season. I have my goals. Now the only thing left to do is to make sure I get in the pool 3x a week for the rest of the year.

Since 2014, I've been struggling as a competitive swimmer in U.S.M.S. I suffer from pretty bad back pain and arthritis which kills my drive to push hard. A close friendship was lost. Job instability led to having to put my head down to keep my career going. All these things cut into training and also effects having your head in the game. I missed top 10 in 2018 and I'm not sure if I'll make it for 2019. I'm 40 lbs overweight. The scales of balance are off yet again.

From 2004-2014 I spent so much time in the pool. I was obsessed with breaking my sprint time every year and making top ten. Eventually pushing intensely all the time wears one out. The breaks from the pool become longer and longer. I lost my steam and have spent a lot of time soul searching since 2014 to give time back to myself for my art and my career.  I was truly dedicated to the pool. It was my escape from other areas of my life. I made top ten numerous times.... but where was the balance? Where was my social life? Also, I had started practicing Tibetan Buddhism and where does my spiritually fit into all of this? Swimming at that intensity was wearing me out. I slept so much during the weekends. It explains why my house was never cleaned and is still a disaster today.

Yesterday, I was driving back from the pool and so proud of myself because I actually swam 3x in one week. I haven't done this in a very, very, long time. While talking to my cousin on the phone, he told me, "A wise woman once told me that the key to life is balance". I asked him who said that? He said, "You. You wrote it on the back of a picture in 1992 with a ying yang symbol." I said, "Boy not much changes does it". He said, "No people really don't change that much". I laughed.

Balance, I've been chasing it for years. It's such a hard thing for me to find in my life. From 2014 - 2019, I've been struggling to find that perfect balance in my life. I'm hoping this year I can find it. It's a new age for me. Not sure if I can reach my old speeds. I'm coaching now too. I'm trying to find time to train and help guide others in this journey.

What really surprised me was how much strength I had lost. I was under the delusion this summer that I could come up to speed with a top 10 time in 2 weeks. I swam the 200 fly long course in August but the time was bad. I need a year to get back what I had. Swimming is a cruel sport that takes so much time and dedication. If you are not in the water, don't expect it to happen.

My friend Eliot called me yesterday and invited me to see Diana Nyad at the the Audible Theater in NYC. It was a really good show. There is a lot of controversy around her swim but she does tell a great story. One thing you have to admire about her is that she never gives up. I got to shake Bill Clinton's hand last night as he attended the performance. He enjoyed the show as well. He was there with Hillary.




Honestly it's a little scary to start competing again. Especially when you don't know if you can reach your peak again. I've set wide goals. I'm not expecting miracles, going to put my head down, get myself up to training on an interval and keep my focus.

Where are we swimming from? Cuuuuuuba. Where are we swimming to? FLoooorida! Where are we swimming from? Cuuuuuuuba. Where are we swimming to? Floooooorida! It's catchy and the words create a rhythm in Diana Nyad's head as she rallies her team and starts out her swim journey.

I've started on my new journey. Let's see if we can get into shape and go to Nationals 2020.

First off, I'd like to apologize for my absence for such a long, long time. Work has kept me very busy and after 2017 FINA Worlds I have slowly stepped away from swimming and lost all my strength & stamina.  After gaining 34 lbs and feeling extremely unhealthy, I'm making greater efforts to swim and get back into the swing of things fitness-wise.

Also, I now have the wonderful opportunity to be coaching at Mark Twain pool for Yonkers Masters. So, I've moved into another phase of my "swim life" as I feel I no longer have the drive to push myself to my ultimate limits due to the pressures of work and also having a lower back issue that is extremely painful at times. I'm happy to inspire others and also pass the knowledge on that I've learned over the past 15 years in USMS!

Lastly, I'd like to say I'm sorry to those of you that enjoyed reading this blog and it suddenly abruptly ended. I'm hoping to get back to posting on a more regular basis now and inspire you with past journey stories as well as tales of this years journey to 2020 Nationals!