Yesterday, November 27th, I learned that Gay Silverman had passed away the previous day.

I just want you to know........You are never really ready to lose a coach. I ran out of time with Gay. 

Gay Silverman was the coach of the Silver Streaks which was the age group team that I joined back in the 80's for only 9 months. Our time was short in the 80's but I learned more than I knew at the time in those 9 months. Later in life, around 2004 all the learnings from Allen and Gay Silverman began to become unlocked as I slowly got back into swimming through a masters swim program in Yonkers. 

After getting a taste of what I knew might be possible as I was still in my early 30's I reached out to Gay in 2005 and wrote her the following email:

Friday, December 23, 2005 10:31 AM

Subject: Silver Streaks Alumni

Dear Gay,

I don't know if you remember me but I swam for your team probably back in 1986-ish. I was watching the meet that was at Apex last weekend. I saw the Streaks and stopped by to say "Hello" but you weren't there.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm currently a masters swimmer and placed 8th in the Short Course Yard Nationals last year with a time of 27.41. I missed competition swimming so much and I'm really enjoying it right now. Thank you so much for giving me the foundation that enables me to compete today. The streaks really taught me to have drive and be competitive. I'll also never forgot when you worked with me to correct my "scissor" kick in breaststroke.

I'm going out on a limb here but do you have any of my old times....I'm just curious to see what I was hitting back then.....Do you remember what events you and Alan thought I would excel at?

Do you ever allow "drop-ins" at your team practices?.....I'm not getting the coaching I need. I want to do better at the Nationals this year and I think I'm going to the World's in August.

Ironically, Heather swam for Yonkers Masters for about a year in  2003-2004 and doesn't want to swim currently. I keep on "haunting" her though....maybe some day she'll cave.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Kyff

And this is the response I received:

Re: Silver Streaks Alumni

Dear Jennifer,

 

Of course I remember you.  I'm sorry that I missed you at the Badger Meet.  I took 10 of our fastest swimmers to Rutgers for a very fast meet and so I was not at Lehman. 

 

I'm so glad that you started swimming again.  I remember that you had to stop because your mom had a spot on her lung and the family's energy was directed in helping her to get better.  I was sorry to see you leave.  But things have a way of working out.  Mom recovered and you started swimming in a master's program.  I think that the 27.41 is much better than you ever hit.

 

After the holidays I will try to look up your times.  The problem is that you did not finish the season and also you were on the team before we used the computer to record everything.  There is a chance that I have all of your times and I will look for it.

 

Yes, come and join us at practice.  Next week we swim on Tues. 7-9 and Wed. 8-9:45 ( I am not at this practice.

 

Then after that we swim on tues, fri 7-9 at greenburgh cc wed. from 8-9:45 at greenburgh, mon. 7-9 at Hackley, sat 8-10AM at greenburgh.  I'd love to see you.  Come with or without suit.  You are welcome.

 

Fondly,

Gay Silverman

 

And that's how it all started. These two emails kicked off being coached by Gay for seven years in my 30's to reclaim what we were never able to accomplish when I was a teen. Gay was a fan of the underdog and she would most assuredly make sure you were as successful as you could be. 

Unfortunately, because of my recent move and job change all the notes for this story are buried and Gay will never get to read what I'll write about this experience. My last nationals with some oversight from Gay was in 2014 and I medaled in all 6 events. As a masters swimmer I've earned 21 Top Ten wins and honestly it would have not been possible without Gay. 

This experience became the foundation for this blog. It's the story of how a late to the game competitive age group swimmer missed a chance to reach full potential and 13 years later reembarked on a competitive swimming odyssey. This story and Gay are so deeply intertwined. One day I'll finish writing it. Today I'm still coming to grips with the fact that my coach is no longer here.

Yesterday I started reading others tributes and experiences about Gay. It's really incredible to see all the people she's helped. I tried to form my mind about how I would start to write a piece that could pay tribute and I started by looking up the synonyms of what a coach is, one of which is  "teacher".

Gay's actual profession started in teaching and when I joined the team she was a technique coach and assisting Allen her husband. Through all the kids she coached, her legacy will surely live on, as we all learned something very special and different from her and I'm sure we will all pass it on in some unique way. In this way Gay Silverman's legacy will live on forever.

While I was on the team with Allen and Gay I learned discipline and the drive to compete but in my later years with Gay I would say the greatest lesson I learned was to push through the fear of pain and it's what I attribute all my top ten wins today to. Gay told me I'm extremely hard to coach so I'm grateful that she had the patience to work with me and teach me all that she did.

Any one that knew Gay knows how incredibly giving she was. The Silver Streaks was a team that was diverse and inclusive and enabled those to participate in a sport when it wasn't always accessible to them. There is no way I could write a proper tribute to Gay today. I'm still trying to process the loss and why this happened this way. I've been looking up the meaning of "Acceptance" because this was something I certainly wasn't doing regarding Gay's condition in the last 6 months.

"Acceptance is like sitting in a field, looking up at the sky and watching the clouds go by. There is no resistance to the moment to moment experience, there is only observation and acceptance. It would be silly to watch the clouds and be upset that they are not forming into the specific shapes we want. And yet, that’s exactly what we do in life."

I kept going back in my mind that she would somehow be o.k. I'm looking back on these thoughts today and seeing how crazy this was because she was in hospice. There was so much more I wanted to say and do but time ran out. For months I kept asking God why her because there are so many rotten people in the world. It's horrible to say but true. There is a Hungarian saying, " They are so evil not even the devil wants them". I'm so frustrated when we loose such incredibly good people.

Did I mention that Gay was Hungarian? I think that was part of the reason I had a special connection with her since I was a kid. There was a certain familiarity when you see your heritage in someone else. Or was it because she stood behind me as a kid and worked my legs over and over in the proper breaststroke kick pattern so my kick would be legal? She took this time on a 13 year old. Not many coaches would bother at this point but there was such care and pride that went into everything she did. Did I mention that she made bathing suits? Wonderful cuts, so comfortable to race in. Gay was truly a renaissance woman. 

Aside from the swimming world, I'll miss our conversations most. The visits sitting on her couch with Suzie the yorkie running around and flipping on her back to have her belly rubbed. Gay was incredibly intelligent and it was so much fun talking to her. We would have the deepest discussions from swimming, politics, fashion, science, religion.... you name it. Or when I went through troubling times she was always there to listen. She was there for so many people.

Around March 2020 I had convinced Gay to take a stab at coaching Masters. Nothing was set in stone but we were hoping to start a branch of Westchester Masters with her coaching. It's a shame that we lost her so soon. She was a brilliant coach and I think it would have been a interesting new challenge for her to work with the adult set.

Life is so unpredictable and we never truly know how much time we have. I'm so incredibly grateful for the time I did have with her and for all that she taught me. 

I love you Gay.

I started weight watchers weeks ago expecting this journey to be easy. Well it's not. On April 28th of this year, I was back in the water swimming with Yonkers Masters. I had the fantasy that all the weight would magically peel off without having to do weight watchers, that didn't happen. Then after going on weight watchers the magic didn't start at that point either. Actually there is no "magic" with any plan you join. You need the right mindset and the self-discipline to see it through.

COVID was not kind to my body. Actually that's false. I was not kind to my body. I let everything go, food became my comfort, then alarm bells went off and I got back to swimming in June 2020 to begin to lose the weight. Then I got kicked out of my apartment, which was great for my weight problem. I had so much anxiety I couldn't eat. I started losing. On November 1st of that year I moved into my parents house and I put everything I had lost right back on. 

I can't blame everything on COVID. This started really in 2014. I stopped swimming with the Silver Streaks. I was starting to feel my age and pushing to keep up with teenagers was really tough. I lost a friend that I was really close with. It started me on a journey of needing space and purposely slowing myself so I could be in slower lanes. I stopped swimming with the team regularly.  I started a job that had so much stress, eating and drinking at night became my salvation. In 20l7, I was not happy with the weight I had put on and when I came back from Hungary joined Weight Watchers. Amazingly I lost it all. Then our leader started to disappear and with no explanation why. I started to eat again, because I was really pissed that she was gone and put all the weight back on again. Later, I found out she was battling cancer and unfortunately had lost. I didn't handle this well and lost my desire to count and track.

Giving up competing was the worse thing I could have done. I'm extremely goal driven. Without a goal of competing I have allowed myself to fall totally out of shape. COVID hit and there were no pools, no competitions and it spiraled me further down this avenue to poor health. Apparently, I've been talking about it a lot. When I announce to people I've gained forty pounds I get responses like, "You have to get over that" or "I heard about it on Facebook". It kind of shocked me. I thought to myself am I complaining a lot? Well, TOO BAD.

When someone starts harping on something it's obviously something that they are struggling with. I say, "I'm forty pounds over weight", because I'm trying to face the reality of it and shock myself into motivation. I'm not into appearances. I keep it real with everyone in my life. If you are on my facebook page you will know there are good times and bad times. If you are looking for a "perfect, happy, timeline" then I suggest hiding my feed. Seriously, everyone is suffering. Let's be real, nothing is perfect all the time.

2 weeks ago was rock bottom for me. I had gained weight again and I was struggling with the compulsive eating train ride that happens after work. When I was a kid I was thin but healthy. My pediatrician in front of my mother said, "let her eat whatever she wants. Let her eat a whole cake if she wants to". That was all I needed to hear. Sheet cakes would disappear in our home. I would eat several sweets at a time. I loved binge eating. The high you get from the sugar. I don't know what got into this doctor. That is the worst thing anyone could every say to anyone. I was basically given permission to abuse myself and develop an addiction. 

As an adult, swimming the way I have, you burn a lot of calories. This naturally gives you the luxury of eating more. When all exercise stops, weight just packs on. This can happen to any athlete so easily because you have the luxury of eating mass quantities of food. Stop exercising, and it catches up with you so fast.

So after a few more nights of going off the rails, I struggled to stay within my point range. I started tracking these nights of indulgence only to find that the points for the whole week were disappearing. 

So I decided that I need to go on a cleanse and then a meal plan just to take the pressure off of trying to manage this and focus on just eating what was delivered. I LOVE Urban remedy. I'm reading the book now. I had the book for awhile but never had the time to read it fully. When you focus on eating for health I think it becomes easier to eat right. Finding the root cause of why you are eating the way you currently are is key. Neka Pasquale practices traditional Chinese medicine and brings all this knowledge into her juices and foods. They are gluten free and vegan. Her blog has a lot of great information.

A lot of people view a cleanse as a punishment but it can be something so much different. It can be a sacred space that you carve out for yourself to give back to your body and soul. It's a time to give yourself the care you need. What's key for me is to plan, and stick to the plan. Also, to replace the bad habits with good habits. 

Another tool I'm using are hypnosis tracks. Unfortunately Dick Sutphen is no longer with us but many of his tracks are still available for purchase. I have many of them. The Zen CD was so helpful to me. Currently I'm listing to the weight loss zapper. 

However I needed a little punishment to get started. I wanted someone to yell in my ear stop doing this to yourself. You need to get with the program and start that diet! That's actually what I don't like about weight watchers. It's a "lifestyle" it's not a diet. WRONG. When your eating has become that out of control. It's a diet. Lifestyle is what we have to work into and eventually embrace to get the out come we want. It doesn't make the hard work any easier of sticking to a limit everyday. There is simply no other way to do it. There is a limit and you can't eat whatever  you want when you want. 

The struggle is real. 

 Yesterday I swam Grimaldo's Mile in Coney Island. I haven't swam the race in years and it was the first event I jumped on for 2021. I haven't been in competition since 2019, my body hasn't held an average heart rate of 135 bmp for a half hour in a long time.

Before the race a swimmer said to me,"How fast are you going to go? I'm going to do a 31. What are you going to do?" I simply replied. I don't know.  Honestly, I didn't care. Laughing with friends later we joked about our "Low Expectations", which meant;  finishing the race, swimming straight and making sure you had time to run out to the car and pay the meter. 

In all seriousness, I HATE with a PASSION talking about times before a race. I know what I'm going to be able to do, and I certainly don't want to discuss it with you. I don't want to play that mental game. I don't want to be ranked even before I start. I want to swim for the joy of swimming.

In masters we have a wonderful luxury, swimming for the joy of it. That doesn't mean we don't push hard or have goals. It's a yogic philosophy of "do your best". So yesterday even though I'm capable of more when I'm in shape I was pretty happy with a 37.00 for a mile.

My heart breaks for Simone Biles. It's unfortunate to probably be at your last olympics and not be able to compete the way you had planed. But, what a SMART GIRL! Is it worth paralyzing yourself to win? Is it worth possibly costing your team a medal? BRAVO Simone for standing up for what is right for you! Simone practices the JOY of Gymnastics. It's a wonderful path to be on.

It saddens me when athletes only care about wining and time and don't focus on what else the path can bring them. Friendships, health, exercise, and losing with grace.

Recently I've made some choices in my life that have probably surprised a lot of people and even myself. Sometimes losing is the best gift you can give yourself. It can preserve your mental sanity and also be a path to greater health.

Now don't get me wrong. I LOVE to compete but I compete with balance. I compete against myself and push myself when the timing is right. I compete on my terms and no one else's.  Now to the pool, because lord knows I have a lot of work to do! Amen.

. 

 June has been a devastating month for me. I lost my cousin. I'm gutted. It's made me really look closely at my life and get a different perspective on how dear our moments are with the people that surround us here on this planet.

COVID prevented so many people from getting proper medical care. I no longer have a doctor because of the insurance wars. My circle has been greatly effected by Cancer. My father has been battling Prostate Cancer since 2009.

Last year we lost the head of Westchester Masters to Cancer. This year, I'm raising money for "Team Jason" to help fund cancer research. This research is so imperative for our long term survival. It's what has kept my father alive all these years.

I'm struggling not to give in to the sadness and putting my energies this summer to raising money for this very important cause. I was going to kick off my fundraising on my vacation but with the passing of my cousin I stayed quiet as I swam 1.88 miles around the lake thinking about him.

It's amazing how crappy you can feel when you get little to no form of exercise. I have no muscle tone left in my arms. Completing 2000 yards with a cool down is pushing it. But I'm so thankful. This Thursday I prayed to God in the pool. They were deep prayers of "Thank you and I'm so Grateful to be here". It almost feels like there is a small amount of normalcy back to my life now. I'm so happy to be swimming and it's proof positive that I belong no where else but in the water.

Currently I'm in box land. I moved into my new place January 25th and I've been slowly taking boxes out of my second storage unit. This month is the last month it will be paid for, so everything must come out. Thankfully I had my father help me with his Volvo wagon, as a executive sedan doesn't really hold that much. I so desperately want to write my swim story in this blog but I have to now prepare for a new window install that is happening across my co-op. So, life coupled with a demanding job, has been very busy.

But we can still dream. That's what gives us goals right? I have dreams of possibly attending LCN in October. In 2022 Fina Masters is going to Japan! It helps me keep going through all the sloppy flip turns right now, the muscle aches and days where I feel like I would possibly like to just stay home in bed. The weight gain is horrible. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I can say that being in the pool water now feels like the ocean because it's so easy to float but the weight has to go. It's just not healthy to be this much over my BMI.

Poco a Poco.

I wanted to write this re-cap post before the New Year came to pass but I was totally exhausted. I needed a break. 2020 was "A YEAR". It was a tornado year fraught with huge changes. I was lucky enough to have neither my family or myself  directly impacted by COVID. I was able to retain my job. I thank God for this everyday. However, where I lived, well, after 14 years in the same residence I had to leave by Oct 31.

Having my rent raised during COVID came as a shock to me. For 12 years my rent was stable. I was living in a situation where I had asked for a lease multiple times but could never get one. After time passed, I was told, "You are my friend" and "You are like part of the family". After my rent was raised this year however,  3 months later I was asked to leave by Oct 31. I was able to negotiate my rent back to the old one until my last day but it was certainly strange to receive a certified letter by mail telling you that you had to be out by Oct 31. 

I guess, I was truly never "like part of the family". When my doorbell was removed this year I should have seen that as a strong indicator of what was to come. I never imagined my entire home could be so easily be disposed of.  I was so fortunate to be able to buy a home this year and finally be able to move somewhere where sidewalks would be shoveled, flowers wouldn't be constantly destroyed and I could lead the charge in getting things repaired. It was truly a blessing in disguise but the situation was highly stressful and I was plagued with anxiety the entire time. 

Moving is not "my thing". I love to travel all over the country BUT I do not like to move. I have lived in the same zip code for my entire life. Having to clean out 14 years of possessions in 4 months almost broke me. If it wasn't for my mother coming down and helping get rid of most of it I don't know what would have happened. Mentally I truly couldn't do it on my own. It was just to difficult. 

Though out my life I've used art as a tool for therapy. When I started working professionally because I was doing it day in and day out, swimming eventually became my salvation to managing stress. During this COVID time, from June - Sept, I swam at Sprain Ridge and Rye Ocean Park.  Thank God for these bodies of water. They helped me so much. I had a friend reach out to me and tell me about Rye. I'll be forever grateful to them as it helped me find mental relief during this period. When I was told I had to leave my home I decided within one week, I was never renting again. I never, ever wanted to experience what I had gone through during the 12 years I lived in my old apartment. I wanted to know where ever I went I would be deciding when I would be leaving. I also wanted a parking space, a doorbell, things fixed on time and if I planted something I didn't want it rearranged and/ or destroyed.  I wanted respect and hopefully owning my own home will bring that along with the pride of knowing that I am a homeowner in the community.

Between my career, trying to clear out 14 years of accumulations, and buying a new place, at times I thought I would break. The kicker was that my surroundings were effected by COVID which in turn effected me but due to the language of all the COVID relief I was eligible for none. That's right, if you have a job, you CAN get kicked out of your place during these COVID times. Your rent can be raised.  

And rents, oh they were raised. In Westchester if you want to rent a 1 bedroom now they are 1500-1800.00 a month. Everyone fled NYC. This angered me so much. I don't know how many times over the years when I would be in NYC, transplant snots would mutter "oh you're from upstate". Really? But during COVID "upstate, Yonkers" became a haven for all those that didn't want to be in Manhattan anymore. For all those that stayed  (not including those that lost their homes), I applaud you. There is something to be said about staying strong during times of adversity and backing your existing community.

So, when things are stressful, we can fall into bad habits.  When COVID first hit and we were sent home from work, and I knew it was bad. I just didn't know how bad it was. I was currently struggling with a depression. The previous year had been exhausting and I was suffering from burnout. December 2019, a depression hit me and it lasted though to September 2020. COVID, when there was little known about it, was a scary thing. We didn't know how it was transmitted and there was tons of mis-information. Trust was destroyed in this country and people took it upon themselves to determine what was fact or fiction. Tuning into Gov. Cuomo during this time helped keep me sane. I'll never forget his daily briefings. They helped get information out and helped you keep faith during this harrowing time. 

I had also I decided to live on a lot of takeout. In a total funk, cooking seems like a gargantuan effort. Margarita Mondays and Wine Wednesdays became my go-to a Popojito. I was doing a good thing right? Supporting our local businesses? I was also supporting a weight gain so tremendous, that even when I started to swim in June all the weight did not come off. 

I was able to close on a new place in November and was fortunate to be able to live with my parents from Oct 31 until the current time. However at my age living with your parents comes with challenges. At their age they are set in their ways. It is their home. So I do my best to work around things. However, when I first moved in, the stress of it all, led too, to a lot of eating. 

My dad has cancer. He has had stage 4 prostate cancer for 4 years. Because I'm living in the parental bubble I've decided to lean towards the side of extreme caution and decided not swim while I live in their home because all swimming has gone indoors for the winter. Being inside, can be safe, but it's not truly safe. I can't risk putting their health in jeopardy. I wouldn't be able to live with myself, if I was the cause of bringing COVID into this house. 

When I first moved in I was severely injured because I stupidly decided to carry the majority of my book boxes down the stairs. I tried to help with yard work but had to bow out. Without swimming, I'm in extreme pain. My spine needs core strengthening to stay stable. Everything fell apart. I consulted my doctor during a tell-a-health call. With so many things going on in my life: work, the closing, the renovations etc. my health took a back seat and I was only able to get the inflammation down. 

I've worked at the same company for 4 years now and over the years I've been saving my points. I qualified for an apple watch this year. Initially I had planned on having this watch on my wrist for open water swims only. I initially saw the apple watch as a type of cult. I had heard people talking about "closing the rings" and I wanted no part of it. I thought it was insane to have something on your wrist that is constantly reminding you of what you need to do. I determined it wasn't for me and I would just use it to track my swimming. 

When I hooked up my apple watch... it's like it melded to my wrist and I never want to take it off. I had a totally different reaction then expected and it has been my salvation. I immediately saw that I had lost all fitness levels, I never physically stand and in all actuality I was laying around like a blob.

Since I have gotten the watch I started to get motivated to "close the rings" which involves standing during the day, moving and exercising. The watch also reminds you to breathe and counts the seconds every-time you wash your hands. it's that silent companion that jumps in when you need it most, guiding you in the most helpful ways. I started going on walks, standing more, and getting my movement in. 

I reached out to my friends on Facebook and found someone else that has one. Now we challenge each other every day. The apple watch became my new pool and is the lifeline I needed. Not having a pool is horrible. Being in the pool, swimming actually forms part of my identity. It helps form your social life, keeps you fit and relaxes you all at the same time. Losing this resource has been horrible during this incredibly stressful time of COVID. If you are in need of some virtual coaching check out apple's page on "close your rings" I think the investment in the watch is well worth it and probably will guide the safest exercise you can do during this time.

 I don't need a pool to survive. I've been out of the pool for long stretches of time before. During times of adversity we need to embrace change. I now have taken up walking until I can get back into a pool. 

Please continue to stay strong during this COVID time. It's important that we don't lose hope. I like to frame this time as a unique opportunity to stay focused and plan for when our freedom from this plague is truly gone.

 I'm so sorry the blog posts have not been frequent. All the materials I needed to help remember and continue my "swim story" were packed away after the move and hopefully this is something that I can continue writing later in this new year. Currently I've written 5 chapters. So for those of you that haven't read it yet, here is the start of my story:

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

I wish you all good health, peace and prosperity for the new year 2021! It's year of the metal OX. I believe it will be a hard working year but if we put the planning and effort in we will have something truly special to benefit from for 2022.

And for those of you that are part of Westchester Masters or even "friends of" please join us for the first Friday of every month for our happy hour virtual swim pod Zoom call. We are a supportive bunch and are there for you if you are not currently able to be in a swim pod.